Yay! My turn! I thought I could escape this whole quarter without having to blog myself…I came so close!
So I’ve heard Brian speak a number of times now and I feel like the message he delivered last Friday was the most solid one so far. I don’t necessarily think what he said was new to me, but it was definitely convicting words that I needed to be reminded of.
Two points that stuck with me are:
1. What kind of mask am I wearing?
2. Do I have a ok place to just be ok?
Many people may think that I’m all smiles all the time…and if you don’t think that, maybe YOU are just not making me smile? :) But when we talk about masks, I asked myself..am I wearing a mask? And it’s actually hard for me to answer this question because I genuinely am happy most of the time but when things upset me, I wonder if I am genuine about those feelings or do I hide them? I do find it hard to be completely transparent with my emotions when I’m upset, not so much because I’m scared of what people will think of me but more because I don’t want to affect others’ moods. I realized that this isn’t right, because as Brian pointed out, if people don’t really know how I’m feeling and what my struggles are, how will they be able to support and pray for me? And how will I deepen my friendships and I’m not vulnerable? And maybe they are going through the same issues I am, so am I missing out being able to connect with them in a new way?
That brings me to the second point, do I have an ok place to just be ok? Some would probably assume that your home is the safest place, but when I think about it, yeah I could be vulnerable when I’m alone in my room..but I tend to wear a mask in front of my parents because I don’t want them to worry about me or get stressed out that something is upsetting me. And sadly, I’ve seen the results of this in the past couple years. Unfortunately, my putting up a mask to “protect” my parents just created more distance between us. My mom especially felt like I didn’t need her anymore and that our relationship wasn’t as close as it once was. The whole time I thought I was doing the right thing but guarding them from my pains, but it just created more pain because we began drifting. Recently, God opened my eyes to this and I have finally began opening up and sharing my frustrations/pains to my parents. It hasn’t been easy and it feels unnatural in many ways, but I have faith that as I continue to practice this display of vulnerability, it will get easier.
- Christina Hong
